I’m so alone and terrified and sad and confused and exhausted and I push everything that’s good away and I’m a mess and I don’t know how to fix myself anymore and I’m not sure that if I knew how to, I could even do it. I want to scream for help but I feel too exhausted to even whisper it.
i don’t know what i want or how i feel anymore and that terrifies me.
My boyfriend has the most beautiful smell- it’s intoxicating. He’s sleeping next to me and I can feel his aroma all over me and it’s heavenly. 🙏
Last night (21st of March 2013) I decided to put an end to cutting myself. Before I go any further, I don’t want anyone who reads this to think that it is a cry for attention or a vouch for sympathy- I’m writing this online to keep a record for myself of when I started to look after myself better. Last night was the first night cutting didn’t make me feel better or at least make me lose focus of what I was upset about. It’s difficult to describe how I feel when I want to cut, but something would happen and I would just switch off, and my mind would go blank and I would become lost in myself and feel small and terrified of what was happening to me. I could feel all these dark thoughts and feeling enter into me and it scared me because I felt too weak to make it stop. After a while my mind would focus onto cutting. It was like my body craved to be cut, like it would make the pain inside go away. I tried so hard last night, and have been for the past month or so- to ignore it and just sit through the dark thoughts until they ebb away but last night I slipped up and decided to cut while my boyfriend was out of the room. Usually, it would release how I felt inside and my whole body would concentrate on cutting myself and I would only stop once I was satisfied with what I had done. I could feel it beginning to get addictive, even though I knew I could stop whenever I wanted- I chose not to because I felt too weak to put the effort in. I was never ashamed of my scars I used to think of them as ‘memories’ of how I got through a bad night. But last night, I didn’t get this feeling. I felt worse. I was ashamed and I felt almost like a failure. It didn’t help cover the feelings inside it just increased them. When my boyfriend found them he just held me until I felt better, and gradually I did. I scared myself last night, I had gotten so far that I realised I had gone too far. And then I clicked back on. No more cutting. I’m better than that. I have people who love me and I need to respect my body. If I’m upset, I can get through it by the means of other things, music, writing, sleeping. I need to be strong again, strong for myself, and strong for other people as well. I needed to be brave, and I needed to have courage. I’m not saying that I’m never going to have a bad night again, or never want to cut myself again- of course I will still feel like that for a while, but with time and the help of those who care about me the feeling will gradually decrease. I have chosen to push those thoughts away and focus on other things. If you’re reading this, and you feel the same or you still hurt yourself, message me, and we can help each other. No one can make you listen when they tell you to stop cutting as much as you want to, its more a personal decision. Something just changes inside. You can get through it, and so will I.
How do you stop caring for someone who once meant everything to you?
You’ve got to convince yourself that what you feel inside isn’t as big as you think. You’ve got to convince yourself that’s it’s just fleeting feelings, and nothing- no matter how pure and lovely- lasts forever so don’t hold on to it because you don’t know when it’ll go. Because then you’ll be left with nothing except an empty ache in your heart. You’ve got to convince yourself that you are already empty, so when that sad ache eventually comes, you won’t feel the shock of loneliness and instead you’ll welcome it inside. Because loneliness is all we know.
i wonder what its like for someone to go onto my blog and realise that all my posts are about them ~
If you care for someone you should do everything and anything to be with them. If you care for someone you should accept that it’s going to be hard but try anyway. Because if there’s even the tinniest possibility that they could make you happy, you should take every chance you have. You’ve got to try.
I’m obviously not supposed to have feelings for anyone because once I do, they stomp on my heart and crush me inside. You’d think I’d have learnt by now.
I wish someone cared enough to notice how much I’m struggling
I think my favourite part about letting go is when you begin to forget things you thought you never would. Your mind tries to desperately hold on to some sort of memory but it’s distant- it doesn’t last.
One day we will find what we’re looking for. We will happen across something completely wonderful and new.
In the end you realise you’re holding onto something that doesn’t exist anymore. Maybe it did once, but thats the past. You can’t keep expecting it to all fall back together. It doesn’t work that way. Instead you’ve got to pick yourself up and move on. Become a stronger person, learn from those who hurt you. Because in the end the only way you can get through it is through perspective. It is up to you to realise that every person, every moment, every memory, is simply a lesson to help you move on. You need to move on. Let it go. It is how it is.
I just hope you won’t get bored of me now because you make me the happiest I’ve been in a long while. But I understand if you do, I do I promise- and I’ll be ok too, I just really like you and I hope you like me, too.